I'm sure any mother of a child on the autism spectrum has perhaps a tighter grip than she would have with a regular or typical child. It can't be helped. As soon as there is a diagnosis or even before that - when it is apparent that your child comes from a different mold - it is only natural to want to wrap your darling in the biggest wad of cotton wool that you can find.
I have been doing this for most of Amy's life. Although she wasn't diagnosed with ASD until she was three and a half, I "got" that she needed close support from her mother night and day. So I gave it to her.
Amy's elevated anxiety levels were apparent when she was just a few months old. She didn't want anyone else apart from Mum, Dad or Nana to hold her. She had to get to know people well before it was okay for them to hold her. It was never pass-the-baby with Amy.
So it was Amy and I day and night through-out her babyhood, toddlerhood and for some of her preschool years. She was socialised within antenatal coffee groups, music classes and at the local playgroup as a baby and I set up regular playdates for her at the age of eighteen months.
Yet socialising wasn't her priority. Although Amy enjoyed being out - it was the environment that interested her rather than the people in it. Often at antenatal class get-to-gethers Amy would wander off exploring the home we were in as the other kids checked each other out.
When Amy reached three years old it was apparent that her social skills weren't natural. She was a late talker and this only frustrated her in her interactions with others. This is when I started the progress of getting a diagnosis.
Amy has come a long, long way in the eighteen months she has been at Kindergarten. She was in afternoon Kindy for six months and learnt a lot there about been in a large group of children and having to share her space and toys.
When Amy turned four she started Morning Kindy and she has been blossoming ever since. She is forming new friendships at Kindy - with and without support from the Kindy teachers.
School is just around the corner for Amy - next March - and myself, special education and her new entrant teacher for next year are going to meet soon to start planning for her transition to school. Although Amy's Kindy has an excellent Kindy-to-school transition programme; Amy will need a bit longer to warm up to her new environment. I have already decided that she will start school for the first term just doing mornings. As an ASD child; new environments take a lot of adjusting to so it's best to start small and to introduce school in chunks.
I have a lot of fear and anxiety myself (!) around Amy starting school. I am now on the local committee for Autism NZ Nelson/Marlborough and have had some insightful conversations with other parents on the committee. The bottom-line is: school will most likely be problematic at some point - it's just the way it is. We are talking about a child with social and emotional problems thrown into the mix with other children. I can pre-empt and prepare for some stuff - but I am going to have to foster my relationships with Amy's school for next year as I won't be around as much as I have been in the Kindy years - it's just the way it is at school.
Basically, the older Amy gets, the more I've had to loosen the umbricial cord. She is growing up, just like any other child. Interestingly; it is Amy who often calls the shots on how much space she wants from her dear old Mum. She has slept through the night for about five nights in the row recently - as in, in her own bed - alone!! This has happened before, off and on, for the last four plus years. The difference is - Amy is aware of sleeping in her own bed - and proud of it: "I slept all the way through!" Sure, she ended up in our bed for the night the night before last but I do believe something has shifted.
Sleeping-through the night has been a similar process to toileting. Amy needs to feel comfortable and ready to reach her milestones. It was clear from early on that toileting wasn't going to happen in two days or two weeks like it can with regular children. Star charts and bribery worked for about five minutes - Amy just wasn't convinced toileting was something she needed to participate in.
Amy is still what you call "habit-trained" as far as toileting goes - she needs lots of prompting and although she can use the toilet; often we have to slip a potty underneath her when she is zoned out and past doing it for herself. It has been a huge milestone for us to have her poo in a potty - at the age of four and a half. She now only wears a nappy at night which is huge progress - and occasionally the nappy is dry in the morning.
Toileting issues and ASD seem to go hand in hand. These kinds are a mix of being very determined and incredibly anxious which means toileting becomes one big mine-field. The only thing that works is just to take it at the child's pace.
I will be starting a second job next week. I currently work Sundays which is Daddy-daughter day and seems to work well. But as of next week I will be working three mornings a week, while Amy is at Kindy. I know she is settled at Kindy and doing well but I do have ASD-Mum anxiety around being a little less in contact with Kindy, having to drop her off at 8.30am because I have to get to work (some mornings are slow ones on the ASD front) and not being on call should something go wrong. I have never been called into Kindy and don't think it would happen but I have valued been "around" while Amelia was at Kindy - being able to pop back early if I knew something was happening at Kindy that might cause her anxiety, for example.
But, both Amy and I need to start practising for school. She will need to learn to lean on her new teacher at school - just as she does with her current Kindy teachers. Some Mums might get upset if their child cries at Kindy but I am relieved when I hear that 1. she cried - it means she was able to let go of some feelings immediately and not contain them and 2. sought comfort from a teacher - it means she has strong bonds with her Kindy teachers.
As Dr Phil says; we are raising adults - not children - that goes for children with ASD also. I want Amy to be independant, to be able to self-regulate her emotions, to like and love who she is, to follow her dreams in life and to have strong relationships with the people she cares about. Just the same wishes as any other parents. The only difference is we may experience a few more road-blocks or obstacles along the way than those of parents of regular children, that's all.
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