Like a fish out of water

Travelling with our ASD daughter is a little like taking a fish out of water. At home her exposure to all the outside things that are likely to send her off-balance can be monitored. When away, that control is lessened considerably. Every trip I go on with Amy involves an inventory at the end of what I could have done better - as well an acknowledgment of what worked.

What worked this trip was splitting our trip into two parts. For the first three nights we stayed in homes with other families. For the final four we stayed in a motel. The timing was perfect - Amy had clearly had enough of sharing her space with other children after three nights. Until that point she did really, really well. It was hard for the families we stayed with those nights to "get" Amy's ASD as really, it was barely apparent.

On the first night (Monday) Amy fitted in quite happily in the "madness" that was going on at her cousin's home in Hamilton - seven children including Amy at tea-time eating sausages and chips. There was the odd instance of "space-invasion" including pushing over a younger cousin on purpose; but all in all, she fitted in really well. She was quite fascinated with her one year old cousin and played quite a bit with him.

We stayed the next two nights (Tuesday, Wednesday) with a good friend of mine with two children under three. Amy got on really well with the three-year old as the two of them seemed to enjoy parallel-play. They had one outing together to Lollipops which was a hit as well. Amy played appropriately with the eight-month old too, handing her toys in a gentle fashion. However when Amy didn't want the baby in her space she asked me to pick her up. The morning we left Amy was starting to kick out at the baby - it was time to move on.

Although we had a motel room, our social engagements with extended family didn't all go so well. I thought a motel room would give Amy the space she needed but it seems a weeks holiday is perhaps too long for her, regardless of where we stay. (We had a weeks holiday with my Dad and family in January that was a struggle for Amy).

Our first visit with family on Thursday morning was with Amy's Nana. I tried to prepare Amy as much as possible and listed all the family I thought would be there. However, my in-laws equate to a very large family and it is impossible to predict who will be around at any given time. As it turned out, Nana's house was chocca full of people and Amy didn't want to come in. She even said "It's too scarey". Normally I wouldn't push her, but we had travelled to see family so I pushed her out of her comfort zone. All of the children in the room were under three and Amy wasn't keen on this combo of children at all. We managed to convince her to have some lunch and eventually she relaxed a bit more and said it wasn't "so scarey." I took her outside to play in Nana's big backyard but Amy wasn't so sure she wanted to be there and made this known by throwing sand into the areas her younger cousins were in.

Thursday afternoon we headed round to have fish and chips for tea with a cousin that Amy has clicked with really well in the past (she's six, going on seven). The two got on like a house on fire, colouring and watching DVDs together. It is always a huge relief when Amy gets on well with other children!

Friday it was obvious that Amy was starting to feel the strain of a lot of socialising. She had her first meltdown of the week. What do I mean by meltdown? In this family it is a case of pent up emotion that hasn't been relieved for a while that finally blows. We'd been away since Monday and Amy hadn't cried once. We know when she needs to a good release because it's all in her behaviour. Basically she gets really silly and non-compliant. If changing tack doesn't change the behaviour we resort to shutting her into her room with the door closed (at home). This will normally frustrate her so much that the tears are forced to come. So we did the same at the motel. While the door is held shut she throws things around and kicks the door. Opening the door at this point often results in Amy attacking a parent - sometimes she'll be so mad at the parent holding the door that she will lash out at the parent on the other side of the room who has nothing to do with the current time-out! Amy is very good at taking her anger out on others.

Eventually the tears came and Amy had a good cry. After this we went out to a local cafe together and then drove out to see the same cousins as above but she fell asleep in the car on the way out. When she woke up she wouldn't come out of the car as her favourite cousin was at school. So she sat out in the car for fifteen minutes or so by herself. She requested at this point that we go back to the motel which we did. However within minutes of arriving we had an unexpected family visitor and Amy made it very clear she wanted her own space! We have been encouraging her all along to use her words and this is what she did; "I don't want to play!" she said when her two year old cousin turned up. She requested that I pick her cousin up (so she could have all the floor space to herself). Things got steadily worse with Amy screaming if her cousin was even within a centimentre of her pony toys - eventually Amy's Aunt and the two year old cousin left. This particular Aunt said she had a very good insight as to what ASD was all about!!

Shortly afterwards Amy had an enormous meltdown - the second one on the Friday. At this point I was truly regretting the fact I'd booked a week-long trip and was wondering how we'd survive three more nights!

Saturday we went to Amy's Nana's 60th which was a pot-luck lunch in a country hall. Amy was already so exhausted from a busy week of travel and socialising; I really wasn't sure how it would go. The first couple of hours went okay - Amy flitted around the hall, dragging a couple of helium balloons and helped herself to cheerios and chips. However things got pretty loud with over ten children in the hall so we decided to take a little time-out and went for a walk down to the local school. Amy had a wee play in the playground. When we came back to the hall she ran ahead of me only to get her finger stuck in the door. She screamed blue murder and had a good cry. It was definitely time to leave for us yet there were family photos to be taken so we stayed on a little bit.
Amy was past it yet we managed to stay three and a half hours all up at the lunch which wasn' t too bad.

Sunday family hosted an all-day lunch. This was at Amy's favourite cousin's place again. It worked quite well because there was a huge backyard with a trampoline and we were able to take Amy outside when she needed a break from the indoor play. Her older cousin got a bit annoyed with Amy's attempts at joining in some complicated play and I had to explain to Amy's cousin that Amy only wanted to join in and didn't understand the "rules". We stayed for about four hours and it worked okay because we were able to move Amy inside and outside when she needed a change of scene. She had some quiet-time in the car towards the end too which she seemed to be grateful for - that quiet space which is hers that isn't in danger of being invaded.

All in all it was probably a successful week away with Amy. I say probably because there were two days there with the meltdowns and all in which we were pretty much stuck in a motel for large parts of the day as Amy needed a break from all the socialising. She was pushed and although I questioned it at the time, I think she has grown socially this week. She has mixed with newborns all the way through to seven year olds. She is only four years old and is still getting to know our extended family. I'm sure these trips away will get easier over time!